I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i may or may not be watching the land before time
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
