Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
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We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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