I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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