You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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