if i can run in heels then i can drive
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
