woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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