I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Drake has all the answers
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
