I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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