I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
