I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
