I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
