There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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