Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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