my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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