I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
