apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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