I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Text me some of your sweat
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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