I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
