If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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