just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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