his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
