this just has baby written all over it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
