Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
