Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
