please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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