I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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