a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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