The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
