He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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