I cockslap morals
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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