i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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