I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
