I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
