I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
