I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
