Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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