Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
