Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
