I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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