I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
