I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
