Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
