I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
