I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I met the friendliest cop last night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
