i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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