She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
