Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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