Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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