I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
