Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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