Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize