i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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