someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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