weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
