I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
