Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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