I can text with my tongue
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
