He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
