I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sober January is a disaster.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
