Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
