ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
