She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You need Xanax blowdarts
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
